im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
