he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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