Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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