Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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