you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
