TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
