I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
