I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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