Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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