I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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