i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
