I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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