i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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