Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
