I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
