I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
