I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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