Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
