I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
