You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize