My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
