Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is it because I queefed?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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