thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
