Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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