I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize