The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
