I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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