He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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