Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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