I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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