i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
