textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
