WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
