Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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