SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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