well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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