wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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