Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
