just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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