there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
