Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
