I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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