So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize