I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
