Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
