i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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