New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
