if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
