I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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