Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hello my rib-scented angel!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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