Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
