I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
