overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
