At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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