My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
