I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
